Okay, I have some things to admit. First, I'm pretty self conscious about blogging- not used to expressing myself openly for everyone to read, instead keeping it to myself or to friends/family when I can't keep it inside any longer. I don't mind answering truthfully when asked, and in fact that's how I prefer it as opposed to myself broaching whatever topic it may be. But chronic pain doesn't just affect me- it has affected everyone around me- my family, friends, significant others, colleagues, etc. Most don't really understand what's going on with me, my disease, how it affects me in every aspect, and most importantly they are too afraid to ask me because 1) it's depressing 2) they're afraid to upset me and 3) what words do you say anyways? Besides blogging for me, as is explained in my first post, I'm blogging for those that I know that are affected and for those that I don't know that know what my family, friends, and I are going through. At some point we must all look at the reality that's in front of us- ignoring life doesn't help you move forward. Victories come in even small sizes.
The second thing I need to admit is that I'm rather disappointed in myself that I've not been able to post something everyday as I vowed to do. I need to get over that obviously and try again this week. And such is the plan...I've been in a lot of pain lately and at some point it just becomes difficult to do much of anything.
But this blog is something I really believe in- I want to believe that someone can learn something from all of this. As another year passes, I want to be able to look back and see that I've grown as a person, that I haven't wasted my time on earth, and that having all of this to deal with has made me a stronger person still filled with hope and perseverance. And when I'm flared up and sick and the days are starting to blur together, I would like to be able to look back at my posts and see that I accomplished something even feeling lousy...to look back and see that there were good days too and that this too shall pass.
This weekend I had one of my college roommates's wedding to go to. I have to admit that I was incredibly nervous to show up and be asked the question "So what are you doing these days?". I found myself slightly exaggerating and being vague about my situation, quickly turning the focus back on my friends. Perhaps I am still somewhat ashamed of what has happened to me- that I'm out of a job that I loved with all my heart, with little independence, and that worst of all when I tell people as cheerfully as I can, they suddenly become silent and look at me filled with sadness. Worst still are the friends who can't call and stop showing up. And so I've distanced myself as well- and to those of you that I've stopped communicating with and being a friend to, I am sorry. I hope to try harder and to stop distancing myself from the people that I care about. We all have problems to deal with and it's not just me that has difficulties adjusting to all of this. Things can always be so much more dismal than they are and in that sense, we are blessed despite it all. So really there's no sense to be ashamed or embarrassed. On a positive note, I did go to the wedding (which I was really proud of myself for not backing out) and the newly weds looked so joyful and happy to be with one another that it made my heart smile that I was able to be apart of their union.
And so I start out the week with a clean slate and a renewed purpose- to post more than I did last week, to get over being shy about writing, and to keep researching about RSD. Sorry if my writing ended up being a little melancholy- tried to write from the heart and with honesty. Hope you all have a good week!
Don't beat yourself up about not writing everyday. I post a lot, but personal posts have become more of an effort for me lately. Post when you can, it will have more substance and mean more. Also, you don't want to burn yourself out.
ReplyDeleteSo nice to finally have a cool night :)